SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: TOILET SEATS LEFT UP


Frustrated Women Demand Trans Women In Public Restrooms Stop Leaving The Toilet Seat Up

With more and more public bathroom facilities now allowing biological men in women’s restrooms, women are dealing with the frustrating problem of always walking into a bathroom stall and finding someone has left the toilet seat up.

“We’re sick of it!” said one probably transphobic woman. “We women have to deal with this all the time at home with our husbands or boyfriends, and now this? What’s it gonna take for you men– er, women, to stop leaving the toilet seat up?”


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: THE OPPRESSED ATHELETE

Athlete So Oppressed By America That She’s Representing America In The Olympics

In a move many are hailing as both “stunning” and “brave”, hammer-throwing athlete Gwen Berry turned her back on the flag as the national anthem played after she qualified to represent America in the Olympics.

“America stinks, and it has oppressed me my entire life,” said Berry. “My qualification for the U.S. Olympic team is just another example of the long string of systemic injustices I have suffered at the hand of systemic white systems of Western cis-patriarchal oppression and the systems of hetero Christian male dominance and the… what was I talking about? Oh yeah– America stinks and I’m oppressed!”

Berry says she hopes to share her inspiring message with young girls of color everywhere– that they will never belong in America, be happy in America, or be free in America due to the color of their skin.

“I am disgusted with myself for representing this racist country in the Olympic games, but it was my only option since China doesn’t really let black athletes compete. I look forward to the universal acclaim, Nike endorsement deals, and vast riches that are coming my way! Yay me! Also, did I mention I’m oppressed?”

Nike has applauded Berry’s bravery and has offered her a $327 million endorsement deal and her own line of Uyghur-made clothing.


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: CNN HIRES TRUMP AS ANCHOR TO REGAIN VIEWERS

CNN Hires Trump As News Anchor To Recover Lost Viewers


In order to bring back the viewers it’s lost since the 2020 election ended, CNN is rehiring the biggest draw for its audience: former President Trump, who will host all the news segments every night on prime time.

“What we’ve discovered since the election is people only watched our station to see Trump, so we’re hiring him to anchor our programs,” said Bob CNN, owner and founder of the cable news station. “This will finally get our ratings out of the dump.”

During his first night on the job, Trump simply yelled about election fraud for two hours. “Very sad, very pathetic, worst-run election in history, maybe ever! Worse than North Korea!” he said to an audience of millions, CNN’s largest in many months. “Frankly, any ballot cast against me is suspect. You really believe that someone would walk into an election booth and look at me and Sleepy Joe and choose Sleepy Joe? No. Can’t happen. Fake news. Not good. Sad!”

After this, the rest of the hosts for the night just yelled about Trump whiningt about election fraud, and repeating over and over “ORANGE MAN BAD.”


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: SOCIAL MEDIA WARNINGS

SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: SOCIAL MEDIA WARNINGS


Social Media Companies Remind Users They Can Be Banned

Saying Anything False Or Anything Too True

Social media companies have for some time been trying to control what people say on their platforms to make sure those platforms can’t be used to harm others — or at least not Democrats. A number of those companies have now gotten together and released a statement clarifying what social media users are allowed to say on the internet.

“Sure, we don’t want users saying false things,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg at a press conference, “at least not about certain things and certain people. But the really dangerous stuff is not false information but information that is just too true to the point that it’s disruptive.”

“Yeah, basic true things like ‘It’s sunny outside’ are fine,” said Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey, “but true things about really important topics — you need to avoid those. Like we don’t care how true your information is about dealing with the pandemic or where the virus may have come from. You need to stick to what we’ve said you’re allowed to say. Be too truthful, and it’s off to Parler for you.”


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: TOM CRUISE ALMOST BROKE

SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: TOM CRUISE ALMOST BROKE

Tom Cruise Makes Desperate Plea To Get People Back To Theaters: ‘I’m Down To My Last $100 Million’

Tom Cruise made a desperate plea to get fans back into movie theaters and end the Hollywood slowdown, telling fans he’s “almost destitute” and “down to his last $100 million.” This comes after the actor previously told fans to stay home, stay safe for the last 14 months.

“It’s time to make some changes now that this virus is starting to affect my lifestyle,” Cruise told reporters from the sun deck of his hover-yacht. “I’ve already furloughed a dozen servants. If this continues much longer, I may need to sell one of my private islands in Greece!”


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: LEGO GOES GENDERLESS

SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: LEGO GOES GENDERLESS

LEGO Unveils New Genderless Bricks With No Male/Female Connectors


 

As part of its new push toward inclusion and diversity, LEGO has unveiled a new set of genderless bricks without male or female connectors. The entirely smooth bricks have no suggestive male nubs or female receptors and instead have entirely smooth, androgynous sides all around.

“This represents a new era in inclusive building bricks!” said LEGO spokesperson Bjørn Irkestøm-Slater Walker. “Finally — anyone can play with our LEGOs without being triggered by those horrid male and female parts that imply they’re only supposed to fit in one direction. Every brick can stack on any other brick without anyone misgendering anything or making a brick feel bad because it only fits in one way.”


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: BIDEN SPEND $2 TRILLION TO STUDY CAUSE OF INFLATION

SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: BIDEN SPEND $2 TRILLION TO STUDY CAUSE OF INFLATION


President Biden proposed a $2 trillion spending bill Monday for the purpose of determining the cause of rising inflation. This is Biden’s fourth proposed $2 trillion bill in as many months.

“The cause of inflation is a major concern for all Americans,” Biden told reporters. “Rest assured, your government is committed to spending however much taxpayer money it takes to get to the bottom of this malarkey!”

According to Biden, the cause of the rapid increase in inflation has been baffling his economic experts for weeks. “All we know is that some mysterious event happened around January 20th which caused inflation to skyrocket out of control,” Biden said. “We don’t know what that event was exactly, but we do suspect President Trump was involved somehow. And maybe Russia.”


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: BIDEN GIVES THANKS

SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: BIDEN GIVES THANKS


Biden Thankful For Gas Crisis To Distract From Inflation Crisis, Unemployment Crisis, And Border Crisis

In the days following the Colonial Pipeline hack, gas stations have begun to run out of fuel, creating a panic for many. As for the President of the United States, this has come as a relief when considering all the other crises that have been nagging his presidency.

“Finally, a distraction!” said Biden letting out a sigh of relief. “It was either ‘inflation crisis’ this, or ‘unemployment crisis’ that, and I don’t even want to hear the words ‘border crisis’ again. I was like– would you just shut up man?!”

Biden explained that all of this negative coverage was starting to make him look bad. He said that things like his wild federal spending, paying people not to work, and soft border policies have nothing to do with the current state of the country. “Hopefully, a good old-fashioned gas price hike and shortage will finally give me a quieter news cycle.”


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: CRACKER JACK NAME CHANGE

SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: CRACKER JACK NAME CHANGE


 

Cracker Jack Changes Name To More Politically Correct Caucasian Jack

When ballparks finally open again, those standing for the traditional seventh-inning stretch will be singing some different lyrics to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

After over 100 years of selling its caramel popcorn snack under the name Cracker Jack, Frito-Lay announced today that it would be rebranded as the less offensive “Caucasian Jack.”

“We are very sorry to all the crack—er, I mean, Caucasians we have hurt over the years,” said a spokesperson. “Cracker is an offensive stereotype, and we must make sure that all foods and snack products are culturally sensitive. Think about all the white people who have had to suffer in silence as tens of thousands of baseball fans sang out the hurtful lyrics ‘Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.'”

“No more. The bigotry stops today.”

The move was applauded by hurt white people, though they are still criticizing Frito-Lay for how pale and pasty-white the Cracker Jack guy is on the logo.


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: NON MENSTRATING PARTNER

SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: NON MENSTRATING PARTNER


Non-Menstruating Partner Wishes Menstruating Partner A Happy Birthing Person’s Day

 

According to sources close to the Larson household, Steve, the family’s non-menstruating partner, wished Carrie, the family’s menstruating partner, an early happy birthing person’s day this evening.

“Greetings, menstruating partner, and may you have a satisfactory birthing person’s day this year!” Larson said as he gave her a gift of roses and chocolate, traditional presents for the ovary-possessing partner in a relationship. “May you bear many more offspring of indeterminate gender, as is your primary function in this relationship between two or more homo sapiens!”

“Also, I am feeling emotions of fondness, but they are simply random chemical reactions in my brain approximating the abstract and imaginary concept of ‘love,’ honey!” he added romantically. He then rubbed her shoulders for several moments before his hands got tired.

The non-menstruator was puzzled, however, when his technically accurate and non-offensive terminology failed to woo his menstruating partner and she went to bed without returning his affections in a romantic manner.

Larson also said he is hoping to receive a new set of golf clubs for non-birthing person’s day coming up in June.


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY-WATERBOARDING REPLACED

SATIRE POST OF THE DAY-WATERBOARDING REPLACED


CIA Replaces Waterboarding With 12-Hour Lectures On Intersectional Feminism

According to anonymous sources, the CIA has replaced enhanced interrogation techniques such as waterboarding with something even more torturous and effective: 12-hour academic lectures on intersectional feminism.

“Waterboarding has been shown to be very effective,” said the anonymous source. “But that’s been replaced now. Now we just pop in a tape of Robin DiAngelo, Stacey Abrams, or Joy Behar. Sometimes we’ll really ramp things up and make them watch Coca-Cola’s diversity training on a 12-hour loop.”

Terror suspects will be subjected to lengthy lectures about cis-male privilege, heteronormative patriarchy, and microaggressive mansplaining. Sources say these lectures are 1,282% more effective than regular old waterboarding.


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: GETS ELECTED TO BE RE-ELECTED

SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: GETS ELECTED TO BE RE-ELECTED


Newly Elected Representative Pledges To Spend Every Minute Fighting To Get Reelected

Speaking before a group of loyal supporters who seriously believe an individual politician can really make a difference for their small town, a newly elected representative pledged that he would spend every minute fighting to get reelected.

Voice wavering, the candidate vowed, “I will be your mouthpiece, shaking the halls of Congress, boldly fighting for your most cherished ideal, which is that I continue to stay in office for years to come.” Raising a hand to calm the uproarious applause, he continued, “Trust me, no one knows the difficulties you face as a community in reelecting me more than I do, and that’s why I’m the man for the job.”

Speaking on anonymity after the rally, local man Victor Bulberson– who lives in the rusted-out AMC rambler behind the local post office– said, “You bet I’m voting for him. I feel he really understands what we value around here. He really gets us.”


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: A TRAGEDY

SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: A TRAGEDY


Entire Water Polo Team Drowns Kneeling For National Anthem

Tragedy has struck once again. The entire men’s U.S. water polo team has drowned after kneeling during the national anthem in an exhibition game today, sources confirmed moments ago.

As soon as the flag was unfurled and the national anthem started to play, all the polo players swam to the bottom of the pool and took a knee. The anthem lasted a long time, as the singer decided to add all those weird vocal fills to change things up. Unfortunately, it lasted so long that the entire team took in too much water and died.

“Yes, this is a tragedy — but it’s also a victory for the social justice movement,” said the team’s coach in a somber press conference. “They couldn’t breathe and they took a knee — what powerful reminders of the injustices in this country.”

“MMMM!!!” said one polo player moments before his untimely demise. “MMM! MMM! MMMMMM!!!”

Analysts believe he was trying to scream “Black Lives Matter” before he succumbed to unconsciousness.


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