SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: BIDEN GIVES THANKS

SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: BIDEN GIVES THANKS


Biden Thankful For Gas Crisis To Distract From Inflation Crisis, Unemployment Crisis, And Border Crisis

In the days following the Colonial Pipeline hack, gas stations have begun to run out of fuel, creating a panic for many. As for the President of the United States, this has come as a relief when considering all the other crises that have been nagging his presidency.

“Finally, a distraction!” said Biden letting out a sigh of relief. “It was either ‘inflation crisis’ this, or ‘unemployment crisis’ that, and I don’t even want to hear the words ‘border crisis’ again. I was like– would you just shut up man?!”

Biden explained that all of this negative coverage was starting to make him look bad. He said that things like his wild federal spending, paying people not to work, and soft border policies have nothing to do with the current state of the country. “Hopefully, a good old-fashioned gas price hike and shortage will finally give me a quieter news cycle.”


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: GETS ELECTED TO BE RE-ELECTED

SATIRE POST OF THE DAY: GETS ELECTED TO BE RE-ELECTED


Newly Elected Representative Pledges To Spend Every Minute Fighting To Get Reelected

Speaking before a group of loyal supporters who seriously believe an individual politician can really make a difference for their small town, a newly elected representative pledged that he would spend every minute fighting to get reelected.

Voice wavering, the candidate vowed, “I will be your mouthpiece, shaking the halls of Congress, boldly fighting for your most cherished ideal, which is that I continue to stay in office for years to come.” Raising a hand to calm the uproarious applause, he continued, “Trust me, no one knows the difficulties you face as a community in reelecting me more than I do, and that’s why I’m the man for the job.”

Speaking on anonymity after the rally, local man Victor Bulberson– who lives in the rusted-out AMC rambler behind the local post office– said, “You bet I’m voting for him. I feel he really understands what we value around here. He really gets us.”


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SATIRE POST OF THE DAY

Facebook Apologizes For Getting 533 Million Users’ Personal Data Stolen Before They Could Sell It April 7th, 2021 – BabylonBee.com


MENLO PARK, CA—According to reports, personal data from over 500 million Facebook users has been stolen and posted to a hacking website. Facebook quickly issued an apology that the data ended up in hackers’ hands for free before they had the chance to sell it.

“Darn, that’s a lot of your data we just gave away for free,” said Facebook spokesperson Andy Stone. “You people are worth more than that–we’re so sorry. Please think about it from our perspective though– we just lost a ton of potential revenue and political leverage in this hack. Try to have a little sympathy for us too, at least.”

Cybersecurity experts say that over 33 million Americans on Facebook now have their personal data available for free on a website where it is easily accessible to identity thieves. 

“Even though hackers got your data for nothing, we find all of you users to be valuable and special!” said Stone. “We’ll be sure not to give away your data for free next time.” 


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SATIRE: Walmart Discontinues Auto Part Sales To Prevent Car Accidents

SOME SATIRE FUN…….

BENTONVILLE, AR—In a bold move intended to curb the thousands of deaths from vehicles each and every day, Walmart has decided to stop selling auto parts, sources confirmed Tuesday.

According to shocking reports, people have purchased car parts at Walmart and then those cars have been involved in accidents, proving a direct correlation between selling auto parts and causing deaths.

“We can no longer be complicit in an industry that kills over 3,000 people a day,” said a spokesperson for Walmart. “Every time we sell a muffler, steering wheel cover, or flame decal, we are potentially causing the death of a person, and we cannot support that any longer.”

“It’s clear that bad drivers and poor road conditions don’t cause vehicular deaths—cars do.”

Walmart executives said they are beating themselves with a stick to atone for the deaths they’ve already caused.

“Our consciences will only be clean when we’ve been mercilessly beaten once for each of the millions of deaths that have been caused by automobiles since Walmart began selling auto parts,” said one executive before solemnly beginning to beat himself with a baseball bat.

But on a brighter note they will continue to sell alcohol and tobacco products, not to mention all the sugary diabetic and obesity inducing snacks.